Sometimes I have all these thoughts that go through my head and I'm not sure any of them would make any sense if I said them out loud.
The thoughts are random, mostly quick and fleeting.
Counting out plates for a meal I go through the kids' names in my head, I pause between Abram & Noah not wanting to skip over Josiah's name but not wanting to say it aloud either.
Folding laundry I'll see a shirt and have this ache...he used to wear that.
And then I look at Noah. My lively, full of energy, adorable guy and realize that tomorrow...
...tomorrow he will be the exact age Josiah was the day he died.
Saturday he will 'pass' his older brother in age.
May 1st, he will turn 5...the birthday Joe never got to.
Then the tears flow.
and I pray. Pray for strength...for comfort.
I open my bible to read these words:
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. 3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. 4 So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.
If you are anything like me than you're probably just a wee bit curious too hear how the birth went, so here goes.
Friday & Saturday I had mild contractions kind of sporadically during the day only for them to come to a complete stop by Saturday evening. Sunday we got up went to church and went about our day pretty normally.
Some time between 10-11 pm I started having contractions again, only this time they were more intense and maybe 10-15 minutes apart. By the middle of the night they'd picked up to be more around 4-5 minutes apart so we called a friend (thanks Jen!) to come sleep on the couch. We arrived at the hospital to be checked & monitored, they put me at 4+ cm but as soon as I sat they slowed way down again.
Back home we went (this was about 9 am at this point). I tried to sleep a bit, walk a bit....still felt like things were progressing and frustrated that they sent me home. I already had a regular appointment set up at my ob's office so we headed there at noon to see if anything really was changing. My contractions are still coming around ten minutes apart. At 1:00 the doctor there checked me, saying 'you're a good 6-7 cm and 80% effaced, I think you should head back to the hospital'. She mentioned that I should go get checked in and if I'd like she could come break my water to see if that would be enough to push things really into gear.
The doctors office is connected to the hospital so we just walked on over, this time they had a room ready for us though! Discussing all of the bazillion questions with the nurse she suggests that if I'm leaning towards having an epidural sooner may be better. If I wait until the doctor breaks my water and things speed up I may lose the window of time in which to get one. I'm torn. Part of me says NO! You can do this. The other part of me says DO IT, you're tired, this hurts and you are really tired!. Exhaustion wins out and I tell her yes, I'll take an epidural pretty please.
In the next few minutes waiting for the anesthesiologist I'm pacing back and forth trying to move as much as possible before I'm bed ridden....and POP! my water breaks. And I mean like bursts! It was almost hysterical really.
They hook me up with the epi and I only have a few more contractions before I'm numb and can't feel a thing. The last epidural I had numbed me but didn't completely take away all of the pain. This one? Worked amazingly and I really could not feel a.single.thing. not even pressure. Now I'm a happy camper. What's an exhausted lady to do now that I''m numb? NAP. Yes, at this point I'm 8 cm and I fall asleep. Maybe an hour later the nurse wakes me and checks me. Complete, time to call the doc and see if we can deliver this fella.
Literally, I wake up from a nap feeling happy...no pain or pressure and they watch the contractions on the monitor to tell me when to push. 5 or 6 pushes later I'm holding my boy.
Aside from the frustration at the beginning of labor I'd have to say this was probably the easiest birth out of all of mine. :)