Giving up & Selfishness

Today I read this post: 

The selfish side of grief 

...and can I just say, wow!

and ugh.

I don't think all of it applies 100% to me, but I see the attitude just the same. 

She writes, "You see, when Emily died, I never wanted to want again.  I had lost my daughter and I had to go on living here on earth without her.  I felt deprived of her presence.  I felt I had lost enough.  I never wanted to feel any kind of deprivation again.  So, I started filling the void."


For me I think it boils down to distractions. Things I've used to keep myself from thinking too much, because if I think below surface level I'm sad. My distractions have come in a variety of forms: let's eat out, let's go shopping, what fun thing can we do?

....let's START A BUSINESS for goodness sake. 

In a lot of ways these distractions have been a blessing. A way for me to not completely fall apart. I love that. I see the downside to this though. I see myself not engaging as much. Not withdrawing completely, but not allowing myself to live fully out of fear. Fear that it'll hurt. I see myself not putting in a full effort like I used to. Birthdays for the kids, holidays, special events used to be SO much fun for me. I was fully invested. Now? Eh, not so much. Halloween for example we've done quite a few family themed costumes. This year (and last) I'm just not gung ho about it. My attitude has just been 'okay, I'll participate and keep the tradition' but on the inside I'm just holding back. Giving up and being selfish. 

Reading her post was like a light bulb this morning. 

I want to be fully engaged with my kids. So, I'm done.


 I'm done giving up. I'm done being selfish. Even if it hurts.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4